I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
