Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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