If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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