who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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