Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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