There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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