I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
