watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
