tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
