I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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