I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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