Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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