Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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