I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
