dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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