I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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