I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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