take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
