Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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