I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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