you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
