Already got asked if we're dating
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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