I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
