Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
