How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
