I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
this hospital has no fireball
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
