I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
