Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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