totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
