Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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