So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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