Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
