I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Randomize
