My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
