Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
hell yes lets make some ravioli
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
