Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
