I think I died a long time ago.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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