just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is that strawberry winking at me??
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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