Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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