The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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