i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
