i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
