4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So. Much. Porn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
