I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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