My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
