Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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