I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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