When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
