OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize