Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
