And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
