you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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