The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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