You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
