anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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